return my video game
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
