apparently the secret to your success is patron
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
