It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
