she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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