i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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