i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
