i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
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I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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