i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
