I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize