nut hugger
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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