hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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