my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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