I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
