I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
