Just cropdusted the office
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
