I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
