I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
