what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
