OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
