And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
