just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
