I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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