I faked an abortion last night.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
