He felt like a one man threesome
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
