i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
