my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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