So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
