Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
