so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
