having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
