he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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