In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Randomize
