so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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