About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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