I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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