I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
