The maid of honor just puked.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
