You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
