My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
