so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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