so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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