I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
