You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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