my soul wont recognize me after tonight
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
