Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
