Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
