it wasn't lemon gatorade
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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