The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
