Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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