I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
