nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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