Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
