I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
