your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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