The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
there's paper in my vomit.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
