I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He's a Shit stain on my heart
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
