I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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