dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
