You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
