period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
